12 May 2006

A Surfeit of Squirrels (4)

Squirrel: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Squirrel: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Squirrel: No really, what are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Squirrel: Tell me.
Me: Go away.
Squirrel: If you don’t tell me I will just sit here and annoy you for the rest of the day. And you do realise that it’s only ten thirty I mean that’s a lot of annoying, man, I can go on for hours and hours and hours if I have to, I really can and believe me I will make it my sole purpose in life to annoy you I am excellent at bugging peop-
Squirrel: Very well. Am all ears.
Me: I’m cementing these slabs down, on this step here, because when we come out into the garden the slabs wobbles and we can’t have anyone falling with the baby. Okay?
Squirrel: You see, it’s much nicer when we just try to get along isn’t it?
Me: Hmmm.
Squirrel: Aw, come on. You know I love you.
Me: You disgust me.

Two hours later I return to the garden to inspect my handiwork and to make sure the treacherous slabs are stuck down and no longer posing a dire health and safety risk.

Me: What have you done?
Squirrel: What?
Me: What have you done to my step?
Squirrel: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: Look at this.
Squirrel: What? It’s fine.
Me: Fine? There’s a great bump under it. And look, it wobbles even more.


Me: What is that?
Squirrel: What?
Me: That lying there. All covering in cement.
Squirrel: Where?
Me: Here, under this slab. What have you buried under here?
Squirrel: Can’t remember. Was it even me? I'm not sure. You know us squirrels, we’re always burying stuff and then can’t remember where we put it.
Me: It’s a….sweet jesus…it’s a dead wood pigeon.


Squirrel: What? It looked at me funny.

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