13 May 2006

Shape up or ship out

Armitage Gallswinger has lived in the leafy environs of Willesden Green since 1459. Almost as long as next door neighbour Mimsy St.Jigsaw who had only been resident since 1503. But the pair have been labelled anti social by local residents who had sick and tired of their long running feud.

‘It’s ridiculous,’ said Henty Boonstack, who lives at number 7. ‘All through the night they scream abuse at each other, some of it very blue indeed. They have been throwing cutlery and other small kitchen items at each other since the fifties.’

Although neither Gallswinger nor St.Jigsaw will admit who is to blame it, it seems that the dispute began sometimes in the summer of 1843 when Gallswinger parked his horse and cart on Mimsy’s grandmother. ‘She shouldn’t have been lying there, no one expects to find an old woman having a nap in the road, do they,’ said Gallswinger.

Mimsy St.Jigsaw tells a different story. On the afternoon in question Mimsy’s grandmother had gone outside to kick a small child who had been throwing cowpats at the family goat, who was elderly and not able to defend itself as other goats might. The small child was, unsurprisingly, very fast and had enormous stamina and the old lady had been forced to chase him up and down the street for a good two hours. She had been almost about to catch him when she tripped on an oversized stag beetle. Moments later she found herself, rather unexpectedly beneath a horse and cart.

‘Poor grandmother,’ said Mimsy, weeping. ‘She passed away later that century.’

Now Boonstack and fellow residents have been ‘forced’ to get the local authorities involved and both St.Jigsaw and Gallswinger will be made to move to a sink estate in the heart of rundown Notting Hill if they do not resolve their issues. Fortunately, this has given them something they can both agree. ‘How awful,’ said Gallswinger. ‘Making someone move to Notting Hill.’ Over the fence came the sound of Mimsy; ‘It’s cruel and unusual, is what it is,’ she bellowed.

Could this be the start of something new?

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