Save the Mungspleed

Trumpty Blaggers, vegetarian butcher and amateur French horn player, will take to the streets of Willesden Green later this month in order to raise awareness of the plight of the Greater Spotted Hungarian Mungspleed. Numbers of this rare creature, once common on local streets, have dipped to a new low of 3.4 this year and Blaggers is not prepared to let the Greater Spotted Hungarian Mungspleed follow the Dodo and the Grey Tipped Traspin into extinction.

‘It saddens me greatly to think that the Mungspleed, the beauteous Mungspleed, may no longer be with us,’ Blaggers said, tears rolling into his greying beard to mingle with the old cream of asparagus soup and cracker crumbs.

Trumpty Blaggers will be recreating the Mungspleeds mating ritual and his daily route will take him from St Gabriel’s Church to the Willesden Bus Garage. ‘I will be sleeping beneath cars rolled up in old newspapers and polystyrene kebab boxes, just like the Mungspleed,’ said Blaggers. The ritual, which is a closely guarded secret until all is revealed during the event, is said to include a blood curdling lament which can cause temporary deafness and a naked Blaggers will be sporting cerise and violet stripes on his ample stomach. ‘Only a few years ago the Mungspleed danced this very route,’ he said. ‘Small children developed post traumatic shock syndrome and old ladies feared their varicose veins would explode. Happy days indeed.’

Blaggers’ display will be repeated once and day Monday to Thursday and twice on Friday during the last full week in May, to coincidence with favourable astral patterns and local engineering works.

Trumpty Blaggers was inspired by humility vortex David Blaine. ‘I love David with all my heart. He is a God,’ said Blaggers. ‘Just like David does; I will be pushing my body to the limits. I’ll not eat anything other than the Mungspleed’s diet of old windscreen wipers and empty yoghurt pots and drink only rain water caught in the feathers of pigeons sitting on the window ledges of second floor flats.’

If you wish to support Trumpty Blaggers then you can email him care of the Depleted Sisters of the Heavenly Order of the Broken Tripods.